a mention of a special person...

last night,i did not go to bed until three am this morning... i was thinking about the one person that i truly miss every day,besides family... folks,i almost got married once,she was truly special,and she was my only true love... for this,she will remain nameless,but in many ways,she was very unique,and that is an understatement... she had her faults,and i knew every one of them,but she would smile at me,most of the time,and i would see a ray of sunshine that could make a bad day seem not so bad,and at times,things were very tough on me... honestly,i did some things that i truly regret,and feel bad about,even now that caused her a lot of pain,and i am not talking,in no way,about physical pain,but our arguments were legendary,and i would take a long walk... one such walk took me to the east coast,because i truly forgot how to read her emotions... to tell you the truth,she was in such agony,and pain,that she would not tell me that anything was wrong(stiff upper lip,if you know what i mean),but then she would get angry at me because of trivial things,and,(unknown to me) the agony and the pain... i only wish that she would have told me how much pain she was in,because she slept in a hospital bed,even in her apartment... i now know why she was in such agony... she had four operations in a span of eighteen months-two on her back,and stomach(the stabilizing rod in her back,from her first operation,when she was paralyzed,was dissolving into her spinal cord),and she had so many things hurting her(really too many things to count,or even talk about)... the last operation was on her 49th birthday,but they found a cancerous tumor,so they just sewed her back up,and told her that she had months to live... this will be the only time that i will ever talk about this publicly... it is still too painful... people have their own opinions about her,and they are valid,no doubt,but it is my opinion that really matters... i spent literally the last fifty four days of her life with her,eighteen to twenty hours a day,as she slowly wasted away in front of me,but i took care of her every need,except for her nursing help in the morning... the nursing staff did not like me... i did not care,but they respected me,no end... she and i had a private ceremony saying what was in our hearts three days before she died... we held hands and said that we loved each other in a way that is special... the last thing that she ever said to me in person was,"why did you eat my hamburger"(i had taken a bite),but i received a message on my phone,at 2:15 am,saying that she loved me... that was her being special... she died Christmas Day,1999... i miss her still...