birthdays,holidays,and my soulmate...

my birthday is coming up this week... two odd things that i want to talk about is the fact that the last time that i celebrated my birthday out of town was 1999,and that is strange,because back then,while "on the road",it was spent in a theatre,watching movies,because usually,i was alone on a holiday,or a birthday,and where i was at the time,it was sweaty hot,and i got tired of sweating in the sun,so i spent most holidays or birthdays in theatres,throughout the nation... my soulmate would usually pick an argument a couple days before a holiday,or both of our birthdays,so we rarely spent those days together,which was a real shame,because i would have loved to spend the holidays,or our birthdays,with her... to tell you the truth,in thirteen and half years of knowing each other,we spent exactly one Thanksgiving,Christmas,or our mutual birthdays(exactly one of each),in thirteen and a half years... i only saw her cry once,in thirteen and a half years,about the immense pain that she must have been in,and not knowing what honestly to do,i just walked away... i still regret that,to this day,because if i had stayed there,maybe she would have told me about the pain that she was in,but honestly,i do not know that she would have told me anything,and folks,if i had known,really known,just maybe,things would have been different,but again,who really knows??? answer will never be known,and what a real shame!!! i really never understood why she always seemed to pick an argument,right before those special(to me,they were special)days,but thinking back now,i believed that she just wanted to be alone with her two boys,or by herself... that is an educated guess,i believe... i remember many nights just watching her sleep in her hospital bed(she had one in her last apartment,and me sitting in a recliner,and her sleeping,after a real hard day of her being tough,and trying to be a rock for her family)... after about fifteen minutes,i would quietly get up,and simply walk into another room,giving a blown kiss to her,as i left... i still miss those nights deeply... in the hospital,in 1999,she lost so much weight,that she weighed forty six pounds,when she died... she asked me one time that if i still thought that she was beautiful,even though she lost so much weight... of course,i told her yes,i still thought that she was beautiful... to me,her beauty was more heartfelt than physical,and i simply loved her eyes,because looking into her eyes,and her soft voice would simply melt my heart,and she never lost that to me... i still miss her,because i can still see those beautiful blue eyes in my sleep,and that is most important to me,period...