life "on the road"...

i have awakened at two am,can not get back to bed,and it has been a very strange morning,so far... my mind is going at a high rate of speed,and i am having a hard time,because of it... people have the idea that i am a nice guy,and they are right,but i am remembering the times that i was a person,who honestly did not care about anyone,including family,because things were very,very difficult for me to really survive... ten years "on the road" will do that to you,because you have to be tougher than iron to get by every day... when alone,i was someone who was very nice,but around people,i was a nasty scumbag,when i had to be... i woke up every morning,if i went to bed,looked at another sunrise,and just wondered if this "hell" was ever going to end... to this day,i still can not stand looking at a sunrise,because it got to a point that i just hated it... looked at close to 2,500,maybe slightly more,sunrises,and it was monotonous,during that time... i lost too many friends,loved ones,it honestly hurt,because i had to be someone who had to survive,and i had to do some things that i honestly am ashamed of... that is what i mean by being a nasty scumbag to people... being "on the road" for ten years changes a person and i still do some things that i did back then... i call it "survival mode",when i use those things in my arsenal of things that i have,because i remember how tough it was to be walking,and be "on the thumb",when traveling... i met some very,very nice people,and i honestly was thankful,and grateful for what they did for me,and sometimes things turned around like a true miracle,when i least expected it... for example,walking into a fire station,in Brighton,Colorado,asking for directions to Interstate 76,and some firefighter drives me over to Greeley,buys me a bus ticket to Newark,New Jersey,for no reason,or some college students from the University of Minnesota bought me a meal,in Holbrook,Arizona,paid the bill,and left the change,for me(and it was not a small amount of change)... even making it from Reno to Albuquerque,in just seventeen hours,of hitchhiking,when i get out of one ride,in Kingman,Arizona,and the very next car behind the first ride picks me up,and i am standing on Central Avenue,in Albuquerque,at ten pm.,after being in Reno at five thirty,that morning reminds me of a true miracle... all three things did really happen,including a deputy sheriff,in Delta,Utah,taking me 100+ miles,to the Utah/Nevada border,when i took a wrong turn into the Great Basin National Park,one day... i spent that night,in Ely,Nevada,and some guy,from Leesburg,Florida,bought me a room,and then took me to Reno the next day,when he turned back to the border to pick me up... he went past me at the Utah/Nevada border,drove ten miles,and then did an u-turn,and picked me up... when you are "on the road",you live day to day,sometimes minute by minute,and that is how it is,because life "on the road" is really tough... some of the things that i mention here have been mentioned before by me on this blog,but some things i have never said to anyone,since they happened to me at that time... at times,i was meaner than a cobra just to survive,to some people,but one thing that i must mention here that those times were few and far between,but they are memorable to me,because they were very few in number... some things that i remember were very nice,but at times,i just wanted to scream,because some people left me in places that you would not be caught dead in... at least three people got angry at me,and simply left me in the Nevada/California desert,with no water,and me only walking to some shade,or in New Haven,Connecticut,at three am,walking streets that you are looking around to see if trouble is around the corner,and even in Kearney,Nebraska(a nice town),at two am,with a 40 mph plus wind in your face,and no coat(temp was mid-30's,but wind chill was near zero)... what brutal weather... finally a nice thought to end this:i remember after a long day of hitchhiking simply at night,in Flagstaff,Arizona,this time with a coat,and simply seeing snow fall on the asphalt,as i walk down the road,waiting for another adventure the next day...