54 days of memories...

sometimes in this blog i talk about personal things,and this thing i,rarely,if ever have talked about,to anyone,but,at one time,i had a fiancee,whom i loved very,very dearly,and she died,over thirteen years ago,on Christmas Day... i want to talk about the last fifty four days that i saw her... it was when she was in the hospital,dying of cancer... my dad and i were playing cribbage,the day before Halloween,and after we finished,he told me that he had something to give me... it was a letter from her,telling me that she was in the hospital dying of cancer,and she had something to give to me,and asking me to either come back or call... i read the letter twice,and decided to get on the bus to see her... i lived right on the city bus line that went right by the hospital,so in fifteen minutes,i walked into the lobby,and asked where was the eighth floor... out of the corner of my eye,i saw a lady in a wheelchair sitting there quietly,about ten feet from me... i had to take a double take... it was her,and so as i went over to her,she started to cry,repeating,"i do not believe it...",over and over,and as i took her hand,i said,"i am here until the end"... well,after getting some food,in cafeteria,we went up to her room,and talked until midnight,and i walked home two miles.. i repeated that routine every day,for fifty four days,and besides the medications,and bandages that the nurses gave her,i did everything else for her,and she told me that she only wanted to see three people,at the end:her kids,and me,and that was it... so i stayed at the hospital up to twenty hours a day,and six times i stayed in the bed besides her,at night... the nurses respected me no end,because i was in her corner,and i refused to back down,when it came to her care... one Monday night,i politely asked to have a nurse to change her bandages,so she could go to bed,and i refused to leave until that was done,but they kept her up until 2 am,before they did it... well,to say that i was mad at that lack of medical care was a total misstatement,i was fuming,and steamed... i was mad enough to fry an egg on my head,but never cursed once,because that was not proper,but i was not taking any more gruff from anybody... since she was dying,they figured that she got the bare minimum of care,and i was in no mood for excuses,and i almost reported them to the head of the hospital,who my fiancee knew quite well,at that time... shortly after that,i got tossed out of the hospital,when the head nurse started to bellow,and i just asked to talk to her about what i had done... the fact was that i was sitting quietly by her bedside,and the nurse got mad,so i went home,telling the security guard,as he snidely said to me,"Merry Christmas",basically where to put it... i went home,got a couple hours of sleep,changed clothes,and walked back to the hospital,walking past a jaw-dropped security guard,who had tossed me five hours earlier... i was back shortly after she woke up,and i apologized to the nursing staff,but not to the stupid head night nurse,because i felt that she was out of line,and she was,period... well,on the Tuesday before she died,she grabbed my hands in her hands,and said to me,"remember the 31st"(we were to get married that day),over,and over,and we said things to each other that we never had said to each other,before,and i guess that she knew that things would change shortly,so we said our wedding vows to each other then and there,in that cramped hospital room,and then she seemed happy,and then i went home... at 2:15 am,as i was in the shower,she left a message,on my phone,telling me that she loved me,very much... that was the last coherent thing that she said to me... as i was there in her room,later that day,she told me that she saw things flying around her bed,and i told her that they were angels,and they were there to look after her... i broke down,later that day,when i finally realized that she was going to die,so instead of going to the restroom in her room,i walked across the entire length of the building,and up two floors,to find a restroom... i promised her that i would not show up at the end,or at her funeral,because she wanted time with her family,instead,only one person was there-her youngest son-at the end... that Christmas Day,i almost walked over,after midnight mass,to stand outside her window and say,"Merry Christmas",but my legs were cramped so bad that it took every step to walk home... to her,i say that,"you are still in my heart",even now...